The things that come out my mouth as a mother are astonishing. I often sit back and think “Did I really just say that?” Better yet, “Did I really HAVE to say that?” I sometimes wish that there was some type of recording device hidden in these walls so I could look back at the days conversations and have a good laugh. As funny as some of them would be, a lot of of them would be equally as mortifying. Since I’ve noticed these hilarious things coming out of my mouth becoming a trend with a toddler and a baby in the house; I have decided to document them. There is no way that I could fit them into one post so once I compile more there will just have to be follow up editions.

… this week…

1. How the hell did you get avocado in your vagina? My darling 8 month old daughter is full swing into eating solid foods. She is like a garbage disposal and can’t get enough. I sliced up some avocado, set it on her tray, and she attacked it like some kind of wild starving animal that just found a carcass. After dinner, I found some “down below”. She managed to get it under her bib, under her onesie, and into the diaper. It was actually quite impressive.
2. Quit stuffing your nuggets into your straw. Everything for my son right now needs to go somewhere. He’s into putting things away, hiding cars in oven mitts, and apparently shoving his dinner into the straw of his cup. I didn’t realize what was happening at first until he started whining because he couldn’t get any milk out of his cup. We often have trouble with his cups so when I went to investigate, the entire straw was stuffed with chicken. Problem solved kid.
3. Stop vacuuming the cat, you’re going to deserve that bite. My son has this part of his brain that tells him to mess with the cat whenever he’s around. He literally can’t control himself. It doesn’t matter how much punishment we dish out. He immediately gets out of time out and goes right back over to beat up on the cat. It’s everything from pulling his tail to running him over with his kid Dyson vacuum. The cat is as tolerate as any cat would be; he’s going to snap. We do everything we can from preventing him from getting bit but I’m worried it’s going to happen. Soon.
4. There aren’t ghosts in your butt. I have no idea where he came up with this. He farted one day really loud and I started laughing, naturally. His new thing is “whats that sound?” So I told him, that was a fart that comes from your butt. (is that what I should be calling it?! Is fart a bad word?! crap!) Anyways, he says “It’s a GHOST!” So I ask him where. He tells me in his butt. Uh, there aren’t ghosts in your butt kid. Maybe I’ll start switching the word fart with ghost.
5. Is that poop or chocolate all over your face? Don’t worry. I gave him the sniff test and he somehow climbed up on the kitchen counter and pulled down my Caramello bar. This kid is so sneaky fast it’s scary. In the time it took me to change my daughters diaper (I’m lightening fast!) he climbed up there and devoured the entire thing. Again, I’m impressed yet so upset because I was saving that for when I really needed it.

Since I’m going to have a newborn again, I figured it was a good time to reflect back on the things that worked for us when my son was tiny. I remember being awake with him screaming at 4 o’clock in the morning and no matter what I did, he wouldn’t stop. Some of these things may work and some may not. Hey, it’s worth a shot right?

Some of these might seem obvious but when you have a crying baby, your mind goes a bit loopy.

1. Feeding. I think the number one reason my son would go into a panic for was hunger. I felt at times that I was overfeeding him because he would have just eaten an hour before but sure enough, he was hungry again.
2. Leave them alone. Sometimes over stimulation was an issue for us. I would be holding him or there would be people around and he would start to freak out. I was so obsessed with this new little being in my life that I would forget at times that maybe he just wanted to rest.
3. Swaddle. Oh, I can’t thank swaddling enough. The tighter I could get the wrap the better. It makes perfect sense that going from a warm and small space to this big open world could be scary. I really believe it helps them to feel more secure.
4. Make sure they’re not uncomfortable. Keep an eye out for clothes that are scratchy, tags that might rub on their sensitive skin, or a diaper that is too tight.
5. Try baby wearing. If it’s something you’re into, I’ve found that you can get a lot done around the house while they feel close to you and comfy.
6. Go for a ride in the car. Ok, so it’s not so eco-friendly but if it works, it works.  There were a few nights where I would drive around the neighborhood until he fell asleep and then get a few hours with him still in his carrier. Desperate times call for desperate measures and it really stopped the crying.
7. Learn the cry. Sometimes it can really help you out to be able to narrow down the reason for the tears. For example, a pain cry is much more urgent type of noise. Gas was a common cause of this for us when my son was a newborn. We talked to his pediatrician about gripe water and it worked wonders for us.
8. Go for a walk. The stroller and movement really seemed to help us out. Half the time he even fell asleep but as long as he wasn’t crying, I was happy.
9. Diaper change. The first few months were a little tough for he didn’t like to even have a tiny bit of urine in his diaper. The smallest amount of wetness would set him off. You could be lucky like us and have a finicky baby, insert sarcasm.
10. Don’t get stressed. I know, easier said than done. I feel like the more frustrated I would get the worse the situation would be. If you are dealing with a baby that won’t stop crying no matter what you do, maybe you just need to walk away for a bit and relax. It might sound harsh but if there’s nothing more you can do there isn’t any point in freaking out.